Fun things to do at Walmart
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Posted:Apr 2, 2014 4:11 pm
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2018 8:05 pm
27944 Views
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1. Take all the boxes of condoms you can grab and randomly put them in other people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell them in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. Who knows what will happen?
5. Walk to the Service Desk and try to put a bag of chips on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell all the you see they can come in if they bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin crying and scream, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' over and over until they call the emergency medics.
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10: While handling guns in the Sports department, ask the clerk where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Take another box of condoms to the checkout clerk and ask where the fitting room is.
16. Go into the fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!!!'
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The ring...the saga continues
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Posted:Mar 31, 2014 10:30 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2014 11:25 pm
26394 Views
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That ring did not leave my thumb all day. Or at least I tried not to let it. However as the day, along with the nonstop typing that goes along with the job went down, it became quickly apparent that the ring was not about to stay perched on that thumb, it was simply too large. On further examination under the too-bright office lights during breaktime I see there are initials engraved on the inside of the worn band. I felt sympathy for its owner for having lost it...for about eight minutes. I have had painful episodes having lost precious pieces of jewelry myself over the years. This is Karma's way of repaying me.
I am picking up Mom after work. We are running to Aldi to pick up a few things. I describe my unlikely, but true story about the find. I half wonder if she thinks I may have murdered someone, calmly hacked apart their body, serenely packed away the body parts into plastic garbage bags, and sent them floating down the river behind the complex, keeping the ring as a sick and twisted souvenir of my work. I quickly dismiss the idea as I know even if I were capable of such a thing my dear mother would still love me. I ask her if the ring fits any of her fingers. It fits her middle finger like a charm. Presto: the dear lady now sports a new ring and she is thrilled. Early Mothers' Day present...
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What the melt produces
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Posted:Mar 30, 2014 4:57 pm
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2014 4:54 pm
27020 Views
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The temp is 53 degrees. The thaw is on. The slop outdoors is disappearing fast. I finally open my living room window for it seems a century this afternoon.
I see something outside my window that seems to be an impossibility so I ignored it for the first hour earlier. It is a sparkly thing, barely glinting at me from beneath the huge pile of the white and grime that had been formerly the snow against my window coating my corner of the area of my window of the apartment of the complex I occupy. Still I am not sure. After a couple more hours of the afternoon and the drainage going on there was no doubt, it was definitely a hidden object that had laid there, that laid silent all winter waiting to be discovered in spring. Now, a few hours later, I went out and looked again, trudged out in the remaining slop and dug her out and found her.
Sure as shit I found her. A beautiful ring, in all her glory. She is a beautiful if not diamond, then cubic zirconia, twisted band, wrapped in tiny crystals, quite large in size, she fits my thumb, she is quite worn, suggesting someone has owned her quite some years. One of the crystals is missing from the ring. Wow. What do I do with it? Do I keep it? Do I report it missing? Do I keep it? Considering my own love of rings it is hard to know what to do since I made the discovery right outside the window of my own home...
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They oughta make a horror movie...
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Posted:Mar 24, 2014 3:16 pm
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2014 4:42 pm
27044 Views
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...with just one word as the title: UPGRADE!!!
Yeah, the company finally did it. They sent us all home Thursday, shut down all operations at 8:00 pm that night, and spent the entire weekend doing a whole new system upgrade. We all walked into the unknown this morning. I was fully aware on coming in that none of us knew much of anything about the new system as they gave us maybe five minutes of training, but when I went in and got started and we worked it for a while, I was highly unhappy to learn that even our management knew nothing whatever of the new procedures to perform many of our day-to-day functions.
Most of us all wandered about and plucked at our keyboards during the day with the same expression on our faces. The expression is that of someone who has recently undergone a frontal lobotomy. There were various laments throughout the office. From one corner I heard: "O......M......G" from another I heard: "What doya MEAN, nobody knows???" and even from myself I heard: "Didja just want me to get you a rope instead?" (My lead person replied: "Yeah, but there's no place to hang it from the ceiling...")
All in all, it has been a very interesting day. I have come to the conclusion that by the time we shift into overdrive again sometime in October, we should have all this stuff down pat.
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Friday morning 2/21
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Posted:Feb 22, 2014 4:36 pm
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2015 6:27 pm
27852 Views
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"GOOOOOOOOOD morning Vietnam!!! Oops, we meant Minnesota:
We are pleased to announce to you, before you hit the "on" button on the coffeemaker and clean the sleepy bugs from your eyes and look out the window: your entire city has been hit overnight by the SNOWSTORM FROM HELL!
As a result you may experience any of the following: difficulty in moving your car out of the parking lot if you get out at all, irritation that this has been the worst and longest winter in history you can remember of your lifetime, swollen and sore hands/feet/legs/arms/back/and also a sore attitude at the 45 minutes you spent just heaving the white shit off your car (provided you located it in the first place), even more grief should the car not start (provided you were able to pry the door open in the first place), and temporary hatred towards both your mother and father for having the audacity to bring you into this world, much less a place like cursed Minnesota.
Other than that, should you make it to work alive, we hope you have a WONDERFUL day!!!
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He was just Phil...
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Posted:Feb 8, 2014 8:57 pm
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2015 6:27 pm
28284 Views
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So sorry to hear of his death. How tragic to be found, age 46, by the playwright friend, on the cold bathroom floor with that needle in your arm. It wasn't supposed to end like that, was it? Three , the oldest age 10, your beloved left behind having loved you for the past 15 years...worst of all that brilliant acting talent, a gift of God, gone from the world the moment you breathed your last breath.
Gets me mad when I see those horrible drugs take another valuable soul like that. Just like that.
Still, God has his reasons. Maybe his death will wake up another soul to clean themselves up and get the strength to go on. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I can only hope so.
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FWB
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Posted:Jan 25, 2014 11:50 am
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2017 5:54 am
28836 Views
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I don't get it.
How did our society somehow over time modify the traditional man/woman relationship to summarize it into the term "friends with benefits"???
I may be offbeat, different from my peers in my appearance and approach to life than others, and probably pretty flamboyant, but this term has become a bad taste in my mouth.
To me, a person that uses the term "friends with benefits" spells out to me just one thing: "I want access to your body and your companionship without any kind of commitment whatsoever to you". This is quite frankly, I am sorry to say, degrading to human beings as individuals in my opinion. I happen to have deep roots in my spiritual upbringing regarding my faith, and the term really bothers me when I hear it. I have the utmost of respect for God's design for commitment between a man and a woman.
So for example, if I had wild sex with someone the night before and the next morning my battery is dead in my car and I need a ride to work, because of the fact that we are "friends with benefits" then that gives the guy a right to ignore my call for help?
If a man emails me for the first time using that term, I will ignore it, I know his mindset right away. I will run the other way. Some caring at least, please. And lose the term.
Anybody care to comment?
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Guinea Pig for the department
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Posted:Jan 23, 2014 11:26 pm
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2014 4:56 pm
28730 Views
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It was time for the quarterly all-employee meeting. We were aware of this as our Boss lady sent around an email to us all the day before, informing us we will be attending. Routine operations, nothing new: the new CEO clues us in on current stats in the business, they do various employee recognitions, they tell us how they are trying to improve the overall operations of the company. Yadda yadda. Those of us who have been there awhile know the drill. We in the call center are looking forward to the one hour off the phones, having been verbally abused by many unhappy customers lately. Especially today: it had gotten to twenty degrees below zero again. Again, nothing new: but it seems the harsh winter has had a harrowing effect on everyone's attitude across the country, or there was a full moon, or all the customers calling in ate a bowl of rusted nails for breakfast.
We know the Suits will be haunting the building the day of the meeting. They come up from the corporate office down in the cities. By Suits, I am talking high management. They normally live down there in their nice cozy offices, but the quarterly meeting demands they make a trip up here to see us. They normally do not visit us upstairs. But since the day I entered the office nearly 3 years ago, I have not seen anything of the kind happen before:
A gaggle of Suits suddenly came upstairs to our rather small call center this afternoon. You can recognize them right away. They are well-dressed, they smell good, they are on their best behavior, and they are wearing the temporary badges security gives them on arrival. A few of them marched into our office and headed straight for Boss lady. We see them pass by and then look at each other wide-eyed, wondering just what in the hell they are doing up there.
I happen to be on break. I am, once again, giggling over the latest weekly police report published on the online newspaper from my hometown. Boss lady then comes around looking confused and a bit flustered. Everybody else is on the phone. She sees me idle. I must be her lifeline at this moment. She approaches me and asks me if I would mind if one of the Suits sits beside me for a few minutes while I work calls. Good Lord. My heart jumps into my throat: nothing of the kind has happened before in the time I've been there.
The Suit she seats next to me introduces himself as Jeremy. I am too terrified to ask him what his position is or why he is sitting with me. He has a large yellow legal pad with him. Boss lady asks me if I can demonstrate some calls, both inbound and outbound while he listens. I abandon my break soon as he sits down. As always in an awkward situation, I tell myself I can do this and do it successfully. Without a word I know I am being relied on to show this man in management just what it is we do up there. So I decide to wing it, and wing it best I can...
The following twenty minutes were pretty nerve-wracking. But I was able to almost forget the fact that he was taking notes on the things I was explaining to him and what I was doing. I just kept telling myself I needed to concentrate on my customer, not the Suit Jeremy sitting there, watching, listening.
All said and done, I felt pretty proud of me. Suit Jeremy graciously thanked me for my demonstration to him. Hopefully he will take those notes whatever they are and share them during that next BORED, no I meant board meeting down at Corporate. I wonder tonight: what will he tell them? Was I helpful? Do I ask for feedback?
Hmmm.
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grace
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Posted:Jan 17, 2014 5:53 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 9:54 pm
28810 Views
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The busy season is over now: the workload has calmed some, and the workers in the shop floor have cut overtime hours.
We still are busy but keep the good workers around simply for their sheer talent and dedication to the job.
There is a young man in my office, we will call him Juan. This young man has been with my office doing all the overtime hours they ask him to do. I have been acquainted with him several times in the past couple months. I hear his conversation on the phone everyday with customers: he is polite, professional, and a great asset to our phone job. He tells every customer on the phone to have a beautiful day, and that is something I admire.
Juan works the evening shift so he was on break this afternoon as I left work. When I passed by him he was standing at the sandwich machine singing to the top of his lungs "Amazing Grace".
This struck me. I was compelled after that first stanza by what a gorgeous voice he had. His song echoed in the empty halls.
That song was played for both my Grandmother and dear Grandfather's funerals. I saw my feet turn back to his direction to tell him how much I appreciated it.
He didn't notice my applause at first. But then he took a look around, saw me there, and I said to him "you have a very nice voice!"
Juan knows nothing about me: he only knows that I gave him that compliment.
May God's eternal blessings follow us always as we build each other up:
Bless you all in your journey: -T.
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winter from hell
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Posted:Jan 16, 2014 4:29 pm
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2014 5:01 pm
29118 Views
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This post is so relevant I felt the need to reprint it. It is the diary of a man moving to Minnesota from Arizona:
December 8:
6:00 p.m. It started to snow. The first snow of the season.
The wife and I took some wine and crackers and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there
be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a
nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to 20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I'd have to do this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. But
I sure wish I wouldn't huff and puff so much.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not
to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin' snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of
the white $&%# fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt
'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, took a
leak and got dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter,
but he says he's too busy. I think the &%$#$%& is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
freakin' nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did, but I think she's a damn liar!
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow I broke the shovel. Thought
I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the -of-a-bitch
who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling, then decides to com down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that freakin'
snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #@$%#&# slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I
hate the snow! When the snowplow driver came by asking for a
I hit the SOB over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have
to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to
kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to minus 30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above minus 25. Still snowed in. The bitch is
driving me crazy!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a fortune for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother. Another 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!
January 8:
I'm feelin' REALLY good for the first time in weeks. I just love
those little white pills they keep giving me. But I can't help
wondering why I'm tied to this bed?
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freeziing
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Posted:Jan 1, 2014 10:26 am
Last Updated:Feb 22, 2014 3:53 pm
29421 Views
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It's fucking COLD up here.
Nope we don't wanna hear your bitchin, or your complaints at this time, or your life history.
Get it??? It's FUCKIING COLD up here.
Got it??? Thanks, we will be friends again when the weather lets up.
Thank you for your patience...
-T.
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motoring again
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Posted:Dec 14, 2013 3:31 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2014 9:38 pm
29316 Views
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My mechanic is ready for a nervous breakdown, but at the cost of his mental health, my dear Steffi is running again.
He spent the last couple weeks out in the bitter cold, slaving and grieving over her. This time the fault lies with AutoZone. At the cost of just about 95 bucks, the dumbasses actually sold me a faulty alternator. So he goes and gets the thing, spends a day installing the thing, I get happy: I am driving to work the next morning.
NOT. It takes me normally, in good weather, six minutes flat to get to work since I live practically on top of the building: but because the river behind my building does not have a bridge I gotta drive around the corner, hit two stoplights and coast on down to work. This particular morning I made it ALMOST to work when she started to sputter and give out, forcing me to pull over onto a residential street. The bad alternator had drained the brand new battery. I was fit to be tied, and in poor mental condition as well. You should have heard me screaming about it when I was finally rescued, once again, by my poor mechanic that morning.
So she sat all weekend at the parking lot at work. It probably was a good thing I was forced to be locked away at home. I may have murdered someone with my bare hands.
So thank God for ADVANCE Auto Parts on the other end of town. The good people there sold me a fully functional alternator that worked magic when he installed it. And it costed less, even.
So now Steffi and I are happily crusing again, the lights bright and shiny, the heater working.
AutoZone? I only have one statement: wait till the BBB and Ripoff Report hears my story!!!
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